четвер, 26 серпня 2010 р.

How to become a better anorexic, baby... When you're feeling weak

 Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!

            Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.
            Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.
            Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.
            If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.
            The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.
            Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.
            If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.
            If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).
            Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.
            Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.
            Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.
            Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative. Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.

           Hiding it

Anorexia is supposed to be a private and tortured place, dontcha know. Deny it at all costs. Pretend you have not noticed the pounds dropping off you. Don't be suspicious. Here are some relevant tips:

            Spend time making yourself look healthy. Drink lots of water and apply a fake tan. Wear makeup so that you have some colour, and keep your hair looking nice and shiny, take vitamins. Smile.
            Whenever you do decide to eat, do it in the company of others. That way they can't say they never see you touch food.
            On your way out, heat up a slice of pizza or prepare a snack to 'eat on the run'. Of course, you will dispose of the food at your first convenience.
            Leave a dirty plate lying around every so often for your parents to yell at you about.
            Drink out of opaque cups, and spit your food into it whilst preteding to drink. They'll never know.
            Eat really slowly because if everybody else is on their third slice of pizza, they'll assume you are too, even if you're still finishing your first.
            Sign out of hotmail and clear the history before you get off of the Internet. This will eliminate Autofill being ever so helpful while your Mum is researching aardvarks, and coming up with www.anorexicsanonymous.com for her. In short, don't leave traces lying around for others to find.


I trust that this guide to becoming a better anorexic will serve you well on your quest to being emaciated and ahem, gorgeous. Remember, think thin, and try not to faint too often or die.


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